Loving the questions, not the answers

This week's blog is dedicated to the brilliant Rainer Maria Rilke's paragraph in Letters to a Young Poet. '...be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.' This week, I'm writing about love. Or whatever you'd call this feeling. I'm currently sat in my car at a local lookout after work, eating hot chips with the windows down listening to Son Little (just to paint the picture for you). I've written about ten A5 pages to get to this blog, it's a bit messy up there at the moment so it's taken a while to get all the thoughts out in a cohesive enough structure for another human to understand, or at least read. So, this is what happened. Last month, I went on a 'date', and now I love someone in a different way than I loved them before. I know that sounds a little unstable, or maybe like some sort of deranged whiplash that comes with sex and laughter and good food but I've known this person since highschool so it's not as far fetched as it sounds. But he is not what this blog is about, it's about me (and you). I spent a long time writing about the kind of person I wanted to 'find'. I'm going to be vulnerable here and share my list with you, don't laugh. Practices kindness Treats me with respect Is perceptive of others feelings Is creative Is intelligent socially, psychologically and emotionally Has their own interests and brings those to the relationship Is understanding of my anxiety and ptd Loves music, particularly 60's soul and James Blake Wants children and wants to be an involved husband and father Is my partner Great sex Lives in a tidy home and is considerate of peoples space Loves food, can cook! Make eachother laugh Someone my family/friends will love A small list, not expecting much....... What I also considered, was getting very still and quiet inside myself and understanding what kind of partner I wanted to be. It's all well and good drawing the picture of some sort of bearded, tall, masculine, emotionally intelligent chef who is great in bed and can do his daughters hair but- in reality, it's what you do (or don't do) that's going to make or break the relationship when you meet someone that you'd like to hang out with long term. In almost every conceivable way I still feel single; which is perhaps the sign of a good relationship. I have my own house, money, I make my own decisions about my body, I spend my time how it's best spent and I prioritise accordingly. I'm living the same life I was before, but better. When we're in plural, couple, partnership, relationship- whatever you call it, the ideal feelings (as the compadré put it) we all want to feel are: 'loved and safe and comfortable, but also fiercely independent and strong. I want to share your life not control it' (yes, I too wanted to vomit, swoon, melt and run away when he sent it) He messaged me that after a rather untimely panic moment I was having whilst driving to his parents house for dinner. A keeper. But back to the topic, we're loving the questions like Rainer tells us to. As someone who is just as dedicated to becoming the kind of person I would want to have stick around (trust me, in my last relationship I was not) as finding someone to stick around with me, let's have a think about what questions we could be asking... What will you and won't you accept in partnership, friendship and kinship? Are you willing to watch something on Netflix that isn't typically your jam? Are you willing to stop doing what is detrimental to your relationship? Are you cool with listening to Eric Clapton even though he makes you want to fall asleep? What are you going to consider when attempting to love someone? (remember, it's a verb) Are you willing to ask them 'do you feel loved by me' and accept the answer? *note to self, the way you're loving someone may not be the way they receive love Can you be open minded and take time to discuss both the changing of the scent of the household dish soap and the changing of the world our youth will inherit? Have you gone to therapy? Will you keep going when you need to? You don't need to answer them right now, but we're loving the questions- and if you're asking the questions you're on the right track... The last few days I've had the stomach flip, which as Miranda puts it in sex and the city 'is really just fear of losing the guy' which I fundamentally disagree with. The stomach flip for me, in this moment, is a reminder to ask more questions. I'm making sure the people and places that light me up are still being nourished. I'm being very quiet when I'm alone. I'm listening to an audio book that makes me laugh and cry and learn and I'm determined (yes, that got bold, italics and underlined) to clean out my fridge. It's disgusting, honestly, don't open it. I'm asking my friends if they too felt weird when their needs got met, and if they too can lose an orgasm with just one de trop word being spoken. Spending time with this (brilliant) person makes me realise that happiness is an inside job and that sometimes when I tell him all the things I like about him, it's like I'm saying it to myself in the mirror. Because in a way, spending time with someone who respects you is almost like spending time with the version of yourself that chose well, said no when they wanted to, drank water, said f*ck it to exercise and yes to an espresso martini after work, and who looks at you through the eyes of a child- perfectly 'there' and a little bit magic. Maybe it will all fall apart, maybe it won't, and maybe our undoing leads to our becoming. With love (and questions), M

My little slice of paradise, Yuin Country. Daily Ceremony acknowledges Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the traditional custodians of the land we work on, and we pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging.

Ceremony [ ser-uh-moh-nee ] A unified ritualistic event with a purpose, usually consisting of a number of artistic components, performed on a special occasion. Aka, life.